


this world is not meant for you

by Blink_Blue



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Ben Hargreeves needs more screen time in S2, Canonical Character Death, Denial, Drug Use, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 19:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blink_Blue/pseuds/Blink_Blue
Summary: The first time he pretends not to see him. He wears the jacket with the soft, worn leather and a haunted look in his eyes. Klaus sees him in his peripheral, and if he tries, he can pretend like he’s not really there at all.





	this world is not meant for you

 

There are random moments that slowly come into focus, blurry in the peripheral, clarity growing in the center until he can finally make out the unmistakable messy head of hair of Klaus Hargreeves. The smudged eyeliner and two day old stubble awakens a familiar longing in his gut. 

Dirty, tattered clothes hang off of him in loose shambles and Ben knows for certain it’s his brother. 

He flickers.

He’s never felt so happy to see Klaus. Why does it feel like ages since they had last spoken? He thinks to himself, Klaus doesn’t see him yet. But the other man tenses visibly, his beautiful green eyes frozen on nothing. Ben waits for Klaus’s sharp tongue. Waits for him to ask what the hell is he doing spying on him like a creep. 

The question never comes. 

Nothing does.

He flickers. 

Then darkness. 

~

He wonders why it’s been so long since he’d seen his family. Aside from Klaus, that is. It feels strange. Like something is missing. And when did it start snowing in June? 

Klaus never approaches him. Never even acknowledges that he’s there. If he didn’t know better he’d think Klaus was avoiding him. They’re all avoiding him.

Did they have a falling out? It makes sense. He wanted to leave home, has wanted to longer than he’d care to admit. His brothers and sisters never wanted to hear it. 

They all have their own problems. He’s sick of being ignored. 

Klaus has mood swings worse than any hormonal teenager. The drugs don’t help. Over the years, the distance between them grows larger every single day. Neither of them make any effort to close it. 

When they were kids, they were the closest of their siblings. 

They were different. Even of the special ones, they were different, because they were the ones who were afraid. Ben, of the darkness inside him, and Klaus of the darkness around him. So they found solitude in each other. 

Ben hates to admit that things have changed. 

Klaus doesn’t talk to him anymore. At some point, he started looking for comforts elsewhere. He hides away in his room, sneaks out in the dead of night when he thinks the others can’t hear his footsteps creaking across the house, and comes back reeking of sweat and alcohol. 

The drugs changed him. The pills and the coke, all washed down with a fifth of vodka. 

It got so bad that Father refused to let Klaus go on missions with them. 

Ben grows nostalgic when he remembers how things used to be, between them. When Klaus would wrap an arm around his shoulder and pull him close. A grin spread wide across his face and his eyes more clear than Ben had seen in years. 

They would tell stories about how they would run away one day. Just pack up a backpack and leave. Take off in the middle of the night and never look back again. 

They wouldn’t be alone. They would have each other. Always. 

He used to dream. He used to— 

~

There’s snow on the ground. Ben glares at it like it’s offended him personally. He always hated the snow. The shit turns to grey sludge on the ground, seeping into his shoes and freezing his toes. 

He turns his head away from the window to his brother. 

“What the hell are you doing?” He demands. “Who is this guy?”

Klaus doesn’t answer, but his crooked grin crinkles around his eyes at the sound of Ben’s voice. 

There’s bare skin exposed, more than Ben would care to see. 

There’s a man he doesn’t know, with rough hands and long, greasy hair tugging Klaus’s tight pants down his hips. 

Ben hisses through his teeth. 

Finally, Klaus’s gaze meets his own.

“You shouldn’t be here,” he says. 

Ben’s frown grows deeper. His eyes flick to the dresser, where he sees neat little lines of coke residue, more evidence that Klaus is probably well on his way to getting fucked up. 

He looks back to the bed and grits his teeth. He can’t look away, no matter how much he wants to. The other man is already rolling Klaus over. He’s about to see something he really doesn’t want to see. 

Or so he thinks.

A moment later, he drifts, and then, nothingness— 

~

When they were twelve, Klaus spent a lot of time in the mausoleum. Ben doesn’t want to imagine what he saw in there that changed him so much. He came back different. He was always a loud child. There was a life inside him that Ben was always drawn to. A brightness in his soul that Ben thought,  _ hoped  _ maybe, would act in contrast to what he has inside himself. 

At some point, Klaus changed. He started lashing out, he became cruel and disenchanted. Lifeless without the pills and full of hateful venom with them. He was rarely vicious with Ben. But he started picking on Allison. He even started fights with Luther once or twice. Ben would find him afterward nursing a black eye and a split lip.

Diego called him a lost cause. Broken. 

Ben didn’t want to believe that. He still doesn’t. What did Father do to him? 

He thinks Klaus must be haunted by the spirits that he sees. He once suggested that he try to help them move on. Maybe then they’d leave him alone. 

He was so scared. He was just a child. They all were. 

~

Ben wants to see the world. He wants to travel to a place where no one knows his name. He spent his whole life trapped in the same house, with a father that he hated and siblings who rarely paid attention to him. Most days it feels more like a prison than a home.

He wants to see the water. He’d never even seen the ocean, aside from pictures in books.  

He wants to go with someone he loves by his side. They don’t need the money. They don’t need the fame. They would have each other and that would be enough. 

They could be happy. 

He’s sure of it. 

~

He was always so different from Klaus. He often wondered why they were the closest of their siblings. Vanya was shy and quiet like him. She liked to read too. But he was never allowed to play with Vanya. 

Something about Klaus drew him close like a moth to a flame. Even when he was in one of his toxic moods, throwing a violent fit or a tantrum, Ben would rarely leave him alone.

They were partners, on missions and in life. There was never any question about it. Number Four and Number Six.

“Leave him alone,” Father would say.

“He just needs some time to calm down,” Mother would say. “I’ll make some fresh cookies,” she adds as an afterthought.

He ignored Luther’s advice and Diego’s suggestions. He would sit and watch, a silent observer as Klaus slowly came down from his high. 

He’d set out a glass of orange juice and a small plate of coffee cake. His brother always did have a sweet tooth. 

This pattern went on for years. 

Sometimes he feels invisible. Not invisible the way Vanya is.

But invisible like…  how the one person he wants to notice him… is too high to give him the time of day.  

~

Klaus is hiding something from him. Typical Klaus, always with so many secrets. Always sneaking out at night to buy drugs and get high. He got caught so many times stealing alcohol from Father’s liquor cabinet. 

He never learned his lesson. 

“Hi, Klaus,” he says. 

The other man doesn’t answer. His eyes are red. Probably bloodshot from the drugs. 

“Why aren’t you speaking to me?”

After a long pause, Klaus slowly raises his head. He wordlessly pops two blue pills into his mouth and follows it with a heavy gulp of vodka. 

Ben watches silently the way Klaus’s throat bobs as he swallows. 

He wants to be angry. He wants to throws something,  _ break  _ something. He wants to scream and shout and demand answers. Demand to know why he’s being treated this way. Like he hasn’t  _ always  _ been there when Klaus needed him. He wants to— 

~

“We miss you, you know?”

Ben turns around at the voice. 

“I miss you,” Klaus clarifies. “I…” He voice trails off and Ben silently begs him to continue. 

It feels like his tongue is caught in his throat. And there’s a terrible knot in his stomach. It hurts something awful. His head is spinning too. What is going on? He can’t breathe. He can’t speak. He can’t even fucking move— 

“I thought it’d be easier seeing you,” Klaus finally whispers. 

Ben shakes his head. He’s so confused. Where is he? He doesn’t recognize his surroundings. Klaus is the only familiar thing in the room. 

_ “It’s not.” _

“Why—” Ben’s voice is a scratchy whisper. He tries again. “Why—”

Klaus shakes his head sadly. There’s such despair in his green eyes. 

And then there’s nothing.

~

For a while, he drifts. He’s weightless, a faceless mask in a crowd.

He feels numb, like there’s a missing piece inside him. He thinks maybe he lost something really important but he can’t for the life of him remember what it is.  

He wonders if this is what Klaus feels when he gets high. He forgets all the important things in life. He forgets the bad things too. That was how he used to describe it.

Used to. 

“What is going on?” Ben asks carefully.

“I want to—” Klaus squeezes his eyes shut and trembles. Ben aches to reach out and pull him into an embrace just like when they were kids, but he doesn’t dare. He’s afraid to scare him off. Klaus looks like the slightest breeze might make him take off like a frightened animal. 

When Klaus finally opens his eyes and looks at him, they flash so bright that they burn a brand into his soul.

~ 

He feels like he’s screaming himself hoarse in a crowd, but no one hears him at all. No one even reacts. 

He can’t feel himself. He can’t even feel the monsters that lurk under his skin. As a child, they terrified him. They kept him up at night. He never got used to it. Never got control over it, to the great disappoint of dear old Dad. Father called him pathetic. 

He doesn’t feel like himself and he doesn’t understand why. 

But he’s sure it has something to do with Klaus. His fucked up, messed up, mess of a brother. He’s sure Klaus is the reason for this.

He’s so tired of being ignored. He’s not strong like his brothers. He doesn’t have his sister’s ambition. He’s next to last in his Father’s eyes. He’s so tired. 

Ben raises a trembling hand and waves at his brother. 

He smiles softly as something devastating flashes across Klaus’s face. He doesn’t know how to explain the look of absolute loss on Klaus’s features. It’s heartbreaking, but he doesn’t stop smiling. 

He shudders. 

He flickers.

He’s still waving when he disappears. 

~

Ben dreams of the ocean. Since he was a small child, he’d wondered what lurks in the depths of the water. He read about how there are monsters that live deep in the ocean’s dark waters. He used to read stories about strange creatures the size of a blimp, with no eyes and long, terrifying tentacles. 

“Do you think I’m a monster?” He asked. 

“Of course not,” Klaus said. “Why would you say that? Why would you even think it?”

No one else sees what he sees. It’s not just tentacles that emerge from his flesh. He sees a whole world full of monsters. He wonders if maybe he belongs there. And that the next time he pulls the monsters into this world they might take him back with them. 

“You’ve seen what I can do. What—what they can do,” Ben said softly.

Klaus chuckled and reached for his hand. “You’re just Ben,” he said firmly. “You’re not a monster. You’re my brother.”

“I’ve seen monsters,” Klaus said, when Ben continued to look skeptical. “You’re nothing like them.”

Ben looked down at their hands, fingers entwined. He squeezed tight and nodded his head. He scooched closer on the bed and took comfort in being close and safe. Klaus grabbed a flashlight from the bedside table and with a grin, he threw a blanket over their heads. 

They were just two young children hiding from the dark. But they had each other. 

Always. 

~

For the first time in a long time, Klaus looks surprised to see him. Almost happy, even. But Ben might just be imagining it. Wishful thinking, maybe. He ignores him and pretends not to notice the other man’s presence. After all, if Klaus is so keen to act like he doesn’t exist, why shouldn’t he deliver the same treatment?

They’re just a couple of stubborn bastards. 

_ “Ben.” _

And with the sound of his name on Klaus’s lips, it all melts away. Why does it feel like forever since someone had uttered his name? What has he forgotten?

He tilts his head and looks at him strangely.  _ “Klaus.”  _

Then he frowns. “You’re high,” he says with a sigh. “Again.”

“Almost,” Klaus chuckles. He shrugs his shoulders. “Getting there anyway.”

Nowadays, Klaus is always high. 

~

He misses Diego. Even with the rivalry between him and Luther that grows worse by the day, Diego was always nice to him. Like an older brother, nevermind the fact that they were all born on the same day. 

He misses Allison. 

He misses Mom’s home-cooked meals. He’d give anything for the smell of her pot roast to fill his nostrils again. 

He tells himself it’s better that he got out. It’s better that he left. After all, he hated living in that house. He hated being forced to call the monsters and kill. He hated the blood and the violence. The demons that terrified him. 

Father was an asshole, always was. He used him like a weapon, an object, rather than a son.

He wanted to get out. He wanted to leave. 

He just didn’t want to do it alone. 

And now, there’s Klaus again. So weird how he always shows up whenever Ben is feeling his loneliest. 

“You want a drink?” Klaus holds out a bottle of vodka, only to pull it away just as Ben considers taking it. He laughs to himself like it’s the funniest shit in the world while Ben fumes and rolls his eyes at his asshole of a brother. 

Klaus’s eyes are glazed and hazy. Ben wonders if it was the blue pills or the red ones this time. He pretends not to notice. He’s starting to get angry. Feeling pissed off is remarkably better than feeling nothing at all, he decides. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He explodes.

Klaus has the decency to look shocked. “Wh-what?” He stutters and blinks.

Ben leaves before Klaus can act the innocent victim. 

He’s tired of taking care of him. 

~

He dreams of the ocean again. The dark water, peaceful on the surface, no telling what lurks within. 

Klaus appears out of nowhere. “Can we talk?”

Ben looks behind him. “You should have come away with me.”

Klaus looks him up and down like he’s seeing him for the first time. He nods. “Yeah, I should have.”

Ben sniffs and turns away. “Goodbye, Klaus.”

~

God, he wants to get spectacularly drunk. He wants to get fucked up and forget everything. And why shouldn’t he? He’s seventeen years old. That’s what any self-respecting defiant teenager would do. 

He thinks about his father’s extensive collection of pricey bourbon. 

He thinks about the little baggie of pills in Klaus’s pocket. 

He thinks about sneaking out of the house with Klaus. Maybe they could score a couple of fake IDs, sneak into a bar and get wasted. They could run away. 

And if they run far enough, they could find themselves on the other side of the globe where no one knows their faces or names. They could get jobs, be  _ normal _ . No more missions, no fate of the world resting on their young shoulders. Maybe he would get a degree. Literature maybe. He always wanted to be a writer.

What would Klaus do? What does Klaus like? Before the drugs, Klaus used to enjoy playing with model planes. Maybe he could do something with that. 

Life wouldn’t be easy, but they would have each other. That’s enough. What else do they need?

None of this happens, of course. 

~

The next time he sees Klaus, his brother grins at him. 

Ben smiles back. 

He runs away without Klaus. He hates leaving him behind in that abusive house, but Klaus didn’t want to go. He didn’t want to leave so Ben had no choice. He had no choice, he had to go, he had to get away, he had to— 

~

A lifetime ago, Five told him about multiple universes. He explained how there are different dimensions that exist, multiple timelines crisscrossing each other and overlapping. Different lives even. 

“There’s a universe where we don’t know each other,” Five had said. “A world where Hargreeves never adopted us. And we would all be strangers to one another.”

Ben was in awe at the time, just trying to wrap his head around a universe where he didn’t know his brothers and sisters.

“That doesn’t make any sense.” Klaus had laughed harshly when he told him. “Five is so fucking weird, don’t listen to a word he says.”

~

Klaus looks like shit. He’s pale and sweating, his eyes dart nervously from side to side.

“What the hell happened to you?” Ben asks. 

Klaus grunts and bows his head, arms clenched tight around his stomach. 

Ben looks around. He wonders what happened to the glass of orange juice he had put out for him. 

“What is going on with you?” He asks. “The pills, the alcohol, the… the sex with random strangers?” He pulls a face. Why the hell has he seen so many people fucking his brother of late? And why hasn’t he questioned how fucking weird it is until now?

Klaus sniffs and groans, it’s a muffled sound with the way he's got his face buried between his knees. 

“Are you going to talk to me?” Ben asks impatiently. “You know I just want to help you.”

Small, little pathetic sounds reach his ears and he realizes Klaus is crying. Why is Klaus crying?

Klaus is trying to say sometime but Ben can barely understand him. The sounds come with a mix of snot and tears. He can’t understand a word of it. 

Ben wants to reach out, he wants to— 

Klaus flinches away. “No, don’t.”

Ben snatches his hand back like he’d been burned.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Klaus shakes his head furiously. He covers his ears with his hands and squeezes his eyes shut. “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, NO!”

“Do what?!—”

He flickers and then he’s gone.

~

He starts to wonder if he’ll ever feel anything again.

“You should get some sleep,” Ben says. And he means actual sleep. Not passing out in a mixture of pills and alcohol. Or vomit. “You look terrible.”

Klaus snorts and rolls his neck. “Even now, you’re still trying to tell me what’s best for me.”

Ungrateful bastard. Ben swears he won’t care if Klaus overdoses again. He won’t care at all. He should just stop thinking about him. 

He’ll stop thinking about him and he’ll stop caring, and then it’ll stop hurting seeing him like this. 

Except… he never stops. 

It’s always Klaus. It’s always Klaus that he sees. It’s always Klaus that he wants to be with. 

Always.

And it never stops hurting.

~

Ben can’t stop thinking about how Klaus apologized to him. While crying and sobbing with spit dribbling down his chin, he said he was sorry. 

He wants to get angry. He doesn’t want to forgive him. 

Except he can’t quite remember what Klaus was apologizing for in the first place. 

He flickers again.

~

“Ben, wait.”

He refuses to look up. 

“What do you want?” He asks harshly. He’s tired of being the nice one. The one who never gets what he wants because he’s a pushover. He always does whatever Father asks. He lets everyone walk all over him, including Klaus. He’s sick of it.

“Don’t go.”

“Where the fuck would I go?” He shouts.

“I—I don’t know.”

“I have nowhere to go, Klaus!”

Klaus shakes his head quickly. “You used to… you always used to talk about running away. Just, taking off in the middle of the night and… getting away from all of it. Just you and me. Together,” he says softly. “You didn’t care where we went, you just wanted to go. And for us to…”

“Be together,” Ben finishes for him.

“I wish—”  

Ben shakes his head, cutting him off. “We’re not—” He sighs suddenly, ending that thought. “It’s too late anyway.”

“How do you feel?” Klaus asks, out of nowhere. It’s just a strange question, coming from Klaus. 

Ben furrows his brow. 

“Strange,” he answers. “Kind of… empty. Not like myself.”

Klaus nods. He turns like he’s going to leave. 

“I wish…” Ben starts. He closes his eyes and tries again. “I wish you would take better care of yourself, Klaus. You know I hate seeing you like this.”

But Klaus is already gone.

~

He’s somewhere peaceful. He’s not sure exactly where he is. It looks like a village, near a mountainside maybe. He can smell the green trees around him. He sees flowers, beautiful flowers. He closes his eyes and grins, feeling the sun on his face. He raises his arms and takes it all in. The sky is so blue. He feels warmth on his skin,  the fresh air in his lungs.

He thinks this might be the place he was born. 

He wonders how close he is to the water.

~

“I was thinking about what you said.”

“You’re going to have to be more specific than that.”

“About running away. Just you and me,” Klaus says. “We could go anywhere, to the end of the world even. Get away from this place. Go somewhere where no one knows us, and we can just… be.”

“Wait… why now?” Ben asks. It doesn’t make any sense.

“Why not?” Klaus laughs, a little bit nervous.

“It’s… it’s impossible.”

“Baby, nothing’s impossible.”

“Why are you saying this to me now?” Ben demands to know. “What’s changed?”

Klaus’s expression grows hard and furious. “Why is it so hard to believe that maybe I want this too? I want to get out of here too! This place is a nightmare! I—I feel like I’m suffocating here! Like I can’t breathe! And I… I miss you! Fuck! Goddamnit, I miss you!”

“I’m right here, Klaus,” Ben says slowly. “Have you been taking those green square pills again? Stay away from those, you know they seriously fuck with your brain.”

Klaus laughs then, a little hysterical. 

Ben grins a bit too, he can’t help it. 

“Whatever, he says. “You really want to go? You really want to—” 

~

Klaus looks annoyed. He looks pissed off. Someone is shouting in another room. It’s hard to figure out who. The voices blend together in a rage. Is that Diego? 

What are they fighting over?

Klaus doesn’t look at him, doesn’t even acknowledge his presence. 

Ben sighs. This again. 

Like always, he’s ignored unless he’s needed, for the horrors that lurk beneath his skin. Vanya sits quietly by the side, silent as a mouse. 

He only wanted to get away from all of this. The fighting and the arguing. The misery. They weren’t a family, what a joke. They were a nightmare and the only escape is out the door without looking back. 

But then Klaus looks at him and everything changes. 

He wants to move on but he can’t. He wants to leave but something keeps him tethered. Because the look in Klaus’s eyes is silently begging him to stay. 

But he wants to leave. He wants to see the ocean. He wants another life, away from all of this. This is his time. 

“I think… I think this might be goodbye.”

“Why would you say that?” Klaus spits angrily. “There’s no such thing as goodbye. Not with me—you know that.”  

Ben frowns. “Do you hate me?” He asks.

“I don’t hate you! I could never hate you! I—”

~

“I thought—”

Ben cuts himself off as he watches the tears trail down Klaus’s face. 

He trembles and shakes his head. “I thought we might have been—”   

~

Everything hurts.

Seeing Klaus like this hurts. The drug use gets worse. He feels genuine fear when he starts to see needles. And he only ever seems to see him when he’s coming off a high. Or going into one. Klaus’s eyes are dull. Lifeless. Nowadays, he’s barely skin and bone. 

“I don’t want you to leave,” Klaus says softly. “I miss you, but—”

“But what?”

The snow is gone. He wishes he could go back to the mountainside. Where the hell is he?

~

“I never wanted this,” Klaus tells him. “I never wanted you to leave.”

“I’m still here,” Ben says dumbly. 

An unreadable expression flicks across Klaus’s face. “I should have gone with you,” he says miserably. “Every single time you asked, I should have—” 

“Why are you saying that?” Ben suddenly screams. “Just stop it! Shut up! You sound like an idiot! Just stop!”

Klaus stops. 

The world trembles around them. 

He can’t see— 

~

His room looks the same. 

His books are in a neat pile on top of his dresser. His uniforms hang in the closet. A pair of loafers sit next to the bed. Everything looks the same. But something is missing. Something's not right. 

Why does it feel so different? 

“No one touches this room.”

Ben turns at the voice behind him.

“Not even Mom,” Klaus says. “No one touches anything in this room.”

“Well, it’s my room, I should hope not.”

A ghost of a grin flickers on Klaus’s face. 

He sees Diego behind his brother.

“What the fuck are you doing in there?” Diego asks.

“Just… remembering,” Klaus answers.

Ben blinks. 

“Well, stop it,” Diego mutters before walking away. 

Ben frowns. “What is he talking about—” 

~

“You know, most people, when they lose somebody… they’re just gone, you know?” Klaus slurs at him. “But me?” He laughs, tragic and low. “I don’t know if I’m lucky or just… haunted.”

Ben grins. “Let’s go see the ocean. Come on, you and me.”

“Yeah?” Klaus suddenly perks up. “Right now?”

“Let’s go, right now!”

He shouldn’t get his hopes up, but Klaus is grinning at him and looking happier than he has been in years. Lights swirl around his vision. Klaus’s face blurs as he laughs and Ben can’t help but feel so fucking giddy. 

“Okay, let’s fucking go! Let’s—”

~ 

Ben’s patience is wearing thin. He’s tired and frustrated. “Can we go outside, asshole? Fuck, maybe I never should have believed you in the first place.”

“Too bad,” Klaus spits. “Because here you are.” 

Ben shakes his head and looks away. “Why the hell do I even bother?” He mutters to himself.

“You’re the one who left!” Klaus screams.

“I didn’t leave, Klaus! I’m right here! Why do you act like—”

“Shut up!” Klaus shouts. “Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Ben flinches. Another Klaus tantrum. Great. It fades into the background, a storm of furious and raging emotion as their siblings arrive to see what the commotion is about. 

“What the hell is going on, Klaus?!” 

He flickers out, too tired to deal with this shit.

~

“Do you want me to go?” He finally asks. 

They’re sitting on Klaus’s bed, the one they used to share when the thunder got too loud. Or when the “training” got too rough, or just… when they needed each other.

“Do you want me to leave?”

Klaus is crying. His head is bowed as he shakes, knees pulled close to his chest. Why is he crying?

“No,” he sobs and shakes his head like a child.

Ben grins softly and reaches out a hand— 

~

“I miss you so much.”

“I’m right here,” Ben says, like a broken record. 

Klaus sighs tiredly and closes his eyes.

Ben eyes the little blue pills that rest in the palm of Klaus’s hand. 

“We can still go, you know. Right now.”

“How?”

“We can grab one of the cars and just leave—”

“You know I can’t drive.”

“Stop making excuses! We’re old enough now! If you would just stop getting high for a second, you would realize that—”

He’s gone.  

~

It’s terrifying how easily everything slips away from him. 

He thinks about Klaus all the time. Like he’s tethered to him, somehow. He doesn’t quite understand it. But it all comes back to Klaus. Just like when they were kids. He’s fixated and he hates it. 

“You were going to leave me,” Klaus says harshly.

“I was?”

“It was so awful.” He squeezes his eyes shut as heavy tears trail down his cheeks. “It was awful, you were—you were—”

“What are you talking about?”

“You don’t remember,” Klaus laments sadly.

“Remember what?” Ben demands. 

“You will,” Klaus says softly. “Sometimes, it takes a while. But you’ll remember. They always do.”

“Klaus, I—”   

~

“I stayed,” Ben realizes. 

“You did.”

“I… I stayed for you.”

Klaus sniffs. “You kept talking about leaving. For so long… For that last year, it was all you could talk about, and I just…” He shakes his head and drops his gaze to his lap. “I should have taken you seriously. I should have listened. I should have—” 

Ben blinks. What is Klaus saying?

“I keep thinking about how different things would be, if I had…” He shakes his head and shrugs. “Who knows, maybe… maybe you would still be here…”

Ben’s expression grows hard. “What the hell are you saying?”

“I think you know what I’m saying.”

~

He’s angry. He’s so fucking angry because goddamnit Klaus should have realized it sooner.    

His room looks abandoned. His belongings are gathering dust, untouched and uncared for. His books just sit there. His clothes hang. He supposes he never had much to begin with. 

His whole life amounted to nothing. How fucking tragic. 

~

There are things that he doesn’t see because Klaus is too high to keep him tethered to this world.

He never saw his own funeral. He never saw the way Allison and Vanya had cried for him. There was no body to bury, of course. Just an empty casket. Klaus had fallen away to a molotov cocktail of pills and coke. He collapsed during the reception. 

No one really understood. No one tried to help him. 

He was just a junkie who couldn’t even stay sober for his brother’s memorial. 

~

And then he’s back. 

“I miss you.”

“I know,” Ben says quietly. Because he finally gets it. It’s sad, hard to accept, even. But he gets it. 

“I want to see it,” he says softly.

They’re back at the mansion and he follows Klaus’s footsteps like a dog following his master. “This place is so fucking depressing,” Ben says as they trek through the empty mansion. “It’s goddamn morbid. What the hell happened here?”

"You died," Klaus says simply.  “And we all fell apart. I knew you’d hate it.”

Ben reaches out, but his hand goes through Klaus’s shoulder. 

Klaus freezes mid-step. 

Maybe in another lifetime, things could have been different. Maybe they could have had another chance. A better life. 

“I can’t—” Klaus chokes. “I’m sorry, I just can’t—”

“Klaus—” 

~

“Stop getting fucked up. Just stop it!” Ben shouts at him. He’s furious, the anger rages through his bones, stronger than anything he’d felt in a long time. “You’re killing yourself, is that what you want? You want to fucking die?!”

“Fuck you!” Klaus screams. “Just fuck you! Fuck you for leaving! Fuck you for  _ dying!  _ Fuck you for leaving me alone, I can’t—I—” He chokes on his words and collapses into a ball, screaming loud enough to wake the dead. 

Ben watches helplessly. He watches his brother fall apart. Unable to touch, unable to feel, because he’s a ghost wandering the mortal realm. 

He can’t comfort the person he loves most. 

He closes his eyes, and thinks of the ocean.   

~

“I’m a ghost, Klaus. Just another spirit haunting you, like…” Ben bites his tongue and looks away. “Like the ones who gave you nightmares when we were kids.”   

Just another monster to keep him up at night. 

He flickers. He had so much to live for. There was so much he wanted to do. This isn’t fair. Nothing about this is fair. He had his whole life ahead of him! It’s not fucking fair— 

Everything is quiet. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t leave with you when you asked.” Klaus fidgets with his hands the way an addict does when he’s jonesing for his next fix. “Would you… would you believe that I’m sorry?”

Ben scoffs, suddenly furious again. “You only wanted me after I was gone.” He’s pissed off and it feels so good. “How could you possibly think that I would—”

Klaus closes his eyes and Ben's throat closes up like he’s being choked. If he still needed air in his lungs, he'd be in serious trouble. 

He feels Klaus’s power. Feels it in every fiber of his being. Despite the way their siblings and Father think of Klaus as nothing but a joke, just an addict, a useless fuck up. But Ben knows better. 

He’s not ready to let go. And it seems, for the first time in a long time, he and Klaus are on the same page. So he haunts Klaus’s every waking breath, every sober one, anyway. 

He feels it when the drugs wear off, every single time, without fail. 

The séance. Speaking to the dead. 

Over time, it becomes laughable how little power Klaus has over his ability to visit. 

Sometimes Ben fucking hates him. 

He knows it’s not Klaus’s fault. It's not Klaus's fault that he died violently at a young age. But it’s easier to hate him than to simply accept his fate. 

He’ll never feel again.  He’ll never touch anything ever again. He hates seeing the mansion. He hates seeing his family, unable to speak or interact. 

But the strangers that he sees as he follows Klaus’s life after he leaves home aren’t much better either.

“I hate it, seeing you like this. This… maudlin shit,” Ben mutters. “Get your act together, Klaus."

Klaus laughs. “Have you seen your statue?”

“Asshole,” Ben mutters. Of course he’d seen it. And he’d be grateful if he never had to lay eyes on that miserable thing ever again. 

Talk about maudlin, oversentimental bullshit. 

It’s fucking laughable. Maybe that’s why Klaus is cackling at him. Ben wants to punch him in the face. 

He settles for rolling his eyes instead. 

The irony is the worst. 

_ May the darkness within you find peace in the light. _

Who came up with this shit?

**Author's Note:**

> [x](http://winters-blue-children.tumblr.com)


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